When silence is not golden
“In the weeks after my loss, I couldn’t bear eyes on me. I slipped off the grid. Back then it felt protective. But eventually I realised I was alone with my fear and alone was the darkest place.”
When life becomes hard through loss, disappointment, betrayal, illness or failure, many of us instinctively retreat. We stop returning calls, cancel plans and fall silent. It may feel safe, like pulling the covers over your head until things get easier. But isolation is rarely just a pause. Over time, it can distort our thinking, deepen despair and make recovery harder.
Yet, isolation is not always bad. In small doses, it can give the needed space to reflect, process and reset. The challenge is knowing when silence is healing and when it harms.
WATCH: When solitude is healing
Why we tend to isolate in hard times
Isolation is not simply “shutting off”. It is a coping strategy with deep roots.
When emotions run high (such as grief, shame or anger), social interactions can feel like extra exposure. Retreating offers a buffer. This psychological “self-protection” reduces the risk of rejection: if I don’t talk, I don’t risk being misunderstood or judged. It simplifies demands: fewer expectations, fewer obligations. In chaos, fewer variables feel safer.
Social engagement, even with supportive people, requires emotional energy. If you’re emotionally depleted, any kind of social engagement can feel draining. Minimising contact frees up capacity.
Many people internalise hardship: “I shouldn’t be struggling,” or “I’m weak.” This inner voice can shame them into silence, making them feel unworthy of connection.
However, isolation is more than just a psychological coping strategy. It has biological and neuropsychological underpinning. Chronic isolation can spur activation of the body’s stress system (the hypothalamic–pituitary–adrenal axis), leading to higher cortisol levels and inflammation. Over time, it can cause long-lasting reductions in serotonin turnover (affecting mood) and dopamine receptors (affecting motivation, drive and joy). In short: the brain often treats social disconnection as a threat, not just discomfort.
It is important to understand the difference between social isolation (an objective observation of having few social contacts or low engagement), loneliness (a subjective and painful feeling of being disconnected or not understood), and solitude (a voluntary, purposeful, self-chosen time alone, often renewing). Understanding these distinctions helps us see when isolation is restorative or a burden.
When isolation can be helpful
Not all withdrawal is harmful. Under certain conditions, solitude can become a resource.
In the immediate aftermath of a shock, whether loss, betrayal or trauma, we often need time to pause, to sit with the emotion, absorb the facts and search for meaning. It creates space for reflection and emotional processing. Constant social input can distract or overwhelm that internal work.
Many artists, thinkers and writers intentionally seek solitude to let ideas mature. Quiet time can be a creative “incubator”, helping the mind to wander, connect dots and generate insights.
If you’re in a state of extreme vulnerability (such as processing trauma and severe distress), limiting exposure to social stimuli (some of which may be triggering) can be a prudent short-term strategy to protect yourself during these volatile phases.
Introverts especially gain energy from being alone. After emotional “expenditure,” solitude can help restore reserves through selfcare activities.
But solitude is only healthy when it is:
Intentional: consciously chosen, rather than forced
Time-limited: temporary, not indefinite
Safe: you know there is a way back to others if needed
Supportive: you have relationships in place that respect your time frame
When you isolate by choice and with a “door open” to reconnection, it can be restorative. When it becomes a “lock-in,” trouble follows.
Why we shouldn’t stay isolate
Human beings are wired for connection. Social bonds are not just pleasant, they are essential to mental, emotional and physical health.
Social isolation and loneliness independently increase the risk of stroke, heart disease, diabetes, and premature death. One meta-analysis found the odds of mortality were 29% higher for socially isolated people and 26% higher for lonely people than those that are socially connected and integrated. Biological pathways include chronic stress, inflammation, impaired immunity, poorer sleep and unhealthy behaviours (such as inactivity and substance misuse) that often accompany prolonged isolation.
Isolation is both a cause and correlate of depression, anxiety, and suicidal ideation. Loneliness has been found to moderate onset and relapse of mental illness. The absence of external feedback and perspective allows distortions to magnify. “I’m alone, no one understands” becomes a self-fulfilling script.
One key benefit of connection is that others help us see what we miss. They question distortions, offer reassurance, share resources and offer a reality-check. Without this social buffering, pain is magnified and internal narratives can dominate.
Support networks are among the strongest predictors of resilience (how well someone weathers adversity). Those with good social ties recover faster, endure stress better and sustain meaning more readily.
The longer isolation continues, the harder reconnection becomes. Shame, fear of rejection and anxiety about social “deficits” compound the withdrawal. Left unchecked, isolation amplifies itself.
When isolation becomes a warning sign
At what point does withdrawal cross from coping into risk? Look out for the following “red flags”:
Persistent avoidance: When you avoid nearly all social contact - even from people who care - over weeks or months.
Emotional flattening or numbness: You feel disconnected not just from others, but from your own emotions and sense of purpose.
Functional decline: Your job, self-care, relationships, or daily routines begin to suffer. Basic tasks feel too heavy.
Negative internal dialogue: “You don’t deserve joy.” “No one can help.” “I’m burdensome.” These thought patterns discourage reaching out.
Signs of mental health distress: The American Psychological Association warns that isolation is tied to poor sleep, impaired cognitive performance, accelerated decline, and worse well-being. Isolation often co-occurs with or exacerbates depression, anxiety, suicidal ideation, and cognitive narrowing. In one large review, social disconnectedness and perceived isolation correlated strongly with depression and anxiety. A meta-review linked loneliness and isolation to increased risk of mortality, cardiovascular disease, cognitive decline, etc.
Spiralling loops: Isolation fuels rumination, which deepens distress, which increases the desire to isolate further - a self-reinforcing cycle. When isolation removes the possibility of corrective feedback or external perspective, distortions can grow unchecked.
READ: What does happiness look like?
How to cross the bridge from withdrawal to reconnection
Here are some practical guidelines and strategies to help you reconnect:
Self-monitoring: check your isolation “gauge”
Acceptable solitude has these markers: You still feel a faint pull toward contact (a “door is open”). You don’t feel stuck. You maintain minimal routines (sleep, hygiene, some movement). You have small mental access to others (memories, hopes, small thoughts of reaching out). If these fade, warning bells should ring.
Rehearse reconnection
Write an email, WhatsApp or voice message even if you don’t press send immediately. Practice voicing what you feel and asking for what you need.
Begin with small steps
You don’t have to leap into large gatherings. Send a message (“Hey, thinking of you”). Comment on someone’s post. Take a short walk with someone you trust. Have coffee or tea with a gentle friend. Attend a low-pressure group gathering such as book club, art class etc.
Use structured supports
If the inertia is big, external scaffolding can help. Reach out to a counsellor, a therapist, peer-support groups, a community group or even a hotline or online forum.
Be kind to yourself. Part of the barrier to reaching out is internal voice: “I’m too broken,” “I’ll burden them.” Remind yourself that vulnerability is human and that relationships are stronger when they carry pain together.
Not every connection will be safe or helpful. Seek out and lean on those that are accepting, nonjudgmental, emotionally present, willing to listen and reliable. Reconnect at your own pace - it’s okay to say, “I’m not ready for deep conversation yet.” Reconnection doesn’t mean overextension. Protect your boundaries. And remember to schedule in healthy solitude (journaling, walks, creativity) while keeping regular check-ins and exposure to compassionate people.
Isolation whispers: “No one can help.” But it lies. Often the first person you reach out to even half-heartedly, is the very bridge back to light.
