Stress is contagious but so is calm
At a recent club run, I found myself listening to a fellow runner talk through his early-year overwhelm. A child starting school. Another is moving onto high school. WhatsApp groups are multiplying overnight, along with notices, forms, deadlines, and mounting expectations.
We tend to think of stress as something personal: a private burden carried by overwhelmed individuals. In reality, stress is often relational. It moves between people through tone, timing, silence, urgency and expectation.
As psychiatrists and mental health professionals, we spend much of our time helping people manage stress. But there is a quieter, more uncomfortable question we rarely ask:
What if some of the stress we are trying to treat is stress, we are also generating for others?
Not through malice. Often through speed. Through distraction. Through assumptions. Through the way we communicate, delay, demand, dismiss or “just quickly” add one more thing.
I think we need to shift the conversation from stress management to stress prevention, starting with a simple intention:
Let me not be the cause of someone else’s stress. Let me be more intentional.
READ: Are you tearing others down to feel a bit taller?
Human nervous systems are social. We are constantly scanning one another for cues of safety or threat through tone of voice, facial expression, responsiveness, predictability and fairness. When those cues signal “danger” (even subtle danger like being ignored, criticised, rushed or treated as an inconvenience), the body responds with tension, vigilance, irritability, withdrawal, over-explaining or overworking.
In everyday life, stress is often transmitted through the:
email with a sharp tone
message left unanswered for days
vague instruction followed by blame when it’s misunderstood
last-minute cancellation
missed deadlines
public correction
“Can you just…” that quietly steals someone’s evening.
None of these is dramatic, but they create friction. And friction accumulates.
The concept of stress footprint
The concept I’m adopting this year: my “stress footprint”. Similar to how carbon footprints are an invisible impact made visible, why can’t we approach our relationships similarly?
My stress footprint is the avoidable stress I create through:
dismiss what is important to someone
communicate unclearly
unpredictability
poor repair after ruptures
time disrespect
emotional leakage (irritation, urgency, sarcasm)
control disguised as “standards”
avoidance disguised as “being busy”
The aim isn’t perfection. The aim is awareness because what we don’t notice, we repeat.
A practical shift: from “How stressed am I?” to “How safe am I making it for others?”
Micro-interventions for everyday mental health
Here are a few high-impact behaviour changes that reduce stress for the people around us.
1. Reduce ambiguity: clarity is kindness
Stress thrives in uncertainty, especially in close relationships.
Small shifts:
Instead of “We’ll see,” try: “I’ll decide by Thursday and let you know.”
Instead of “Help when you can,” try: “Could you fetch the kids on Tuesday and Thursday this week?”
Name expectations early, before resentment builds.
2. Respect time and energy - not everyone has the same reserves
At home, pressure often hides behind phrases like “It won’t take long” or “Can I just ask one thing?”
Small shifts:
Ask when a good time is rather than assuming now
Give notice for plans, conversations or changes
Remember that caregiving, illness, mental load and burnout are often invisible
Time respect communicates: You matter. Your life matters.
3. Watch your tone
Urgency can be necessary. Chronic urgency is corrosive. Children, partners and friends are exquisitely sensitive to tone.
Ask yourself:
Am I calm or am I activated?
Is my anxiety about this moment turning into pressure for someone else?
A simple pause helps:
Exhale slowly
Drop your shoulders
Speak again, slower
Calm is regulating even when the message stays the same.
WATCH: How to have difficult conversations
4. Close loops: unfinished communication is a stress amplifier
Silence is especially loud in close relationships.
Helpful phrases:
“I’ve seen this — can we talk later?”
“I don’t have an answer yet, but I’m thinking about it.”
“I need space and will come back to this.”
Predictability is deeply calming to the nervous system.
5. Don’t outsource emotional regulation
When we’re overwhelmed, stress often spills sideways as snapping, withdrawal, criticism or micromanaging.
A grounding rule:
I’m allowed to feel stressed. I’m not allowed to make it someone else’s problem without consent.
If you need support, ask explicitly:
“I’m feeling overwhelmed, can I talk for five minutes?”
“I’m not upset with you, I’m just stretched.”
Naming it prevents misinterpretation.
6. Repair early: safety lives in the repair, not the perfection
Ruptures happen in all relationships. What matters is how we repair.
Simple repairs:
“That came out sharper than I intended. I’m sorry.”
“I can see how my delay created pressure.”
“Here’s what I’ll do differently next time.”
Repair restores safety and trust.
The “Don’t Be the Cause” check
Before I speak, send, request or correct, especially when I’m tired or overwhelmed, I try to run this quick internal check:
Is what I’m asking reasonable?
Have I been clear about timing and expectations?
Am I about to send my stress into someone else’s body?
Is there a kinder, clearer way to say this without avoiding accountability?
If I get this wrong, will I be able to repair it quickly?
This is what being intentional looks like in real life: not grand gestures, but fewer stress collisions.
A theme for the year: becoming a regulator, not a stressor
If you want a simple theme to carry through the year this is it:
I want to be someone whose presence reduces stress, not increase it.
Imagine the ripple effects if parents, partners, clinicians, leaders and friends all aimed for that. Not perfectly. Just consistently.
Because sometimes the most powerful stress intervention isn’t a technique we teach.
It’s a behaviour we change.
This month’s invitation: choose one place where you tend to create stress — through urgency, vagueness, delay or tone — and make one intentional adjustment. Then watch what happens to the people around you.
Less stress isn’t only something we treat. It can be something we design.
